Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Sadness

I keep this blog to keep others who are far away "updated" so to speak on our lives. I however, rarely if ever have blogged without self censoring. I find myself uncomfortable with being vulnerable, and putting feelings of frustration, anger, or confusion into writing.  The fear I suppose is that I may at some point regret what I wrote. So this entry is a new thing for me ... I have had a tugging on my heart for a while, at least a month to write about these topics.

I ve always loved Christmas time.  It's my favorite time of year. I love all that goes with it, the decorations, the traditions, the lights.  When Rhett and I were dating, I remember us scouring the local wal mart for the cheapest tree we could find.  Then we made ornaments, and garland.  The entire month of December we would make hot chocolate and drive around looking at Christmas lights.  It's just a great time of year!  Since the loss of my Godfather in 2007 I ve struggled to find that same excitement.   The motions are still the same as before he was gone.  It's such a weird thing to articulate ... I am filled with joy and sadness at the same time.  My joy comes in the experiences we have with our little family that are driven by the purpose of the season. The sadness however, makes me really want to withdraw from the activities that seem more superficial ... the office Christmas party, the professional open houses I needed to attend for networking purposes all hosted under the theme of Christmas.  My brain just isn't able to focus, and make cheerful small talk.   Perhaps it is the awareness that the joy with those we love can be fleeting.  Let this serve as a warning, unless your one of my children or my hubby I m not all that fun to be around during Christmas. I wonder if that will change in the years to come.

So let me tell you some of the joy we experienced this Christmas Season.  It is so much more fun to talk about the good, rejoicing in God's Grace is a great thing.  On December 15th Aly participated in her school Christmas program (as she has the last 2 years) now being a big first grader she is no longer a barn yard animal, but a candle holder.  The program as always was a blessing, and true sincere expression of the gift that our children are.  On December 16th (the 3rd Anniversary of Uncle Jerry's passing) the first song on the radio that morning as I drove the kids to school was I Can Only Imagine, which was played at his funeral. Ethan exclaimed "It's Uncle Jerry's song, he's still with us!" Yep, he is ... Thanks God for the reminder.  That evening the boys participated in their first Christmas program, since this is their first year at their school.  Joyful is the best description of being able to witness the sweet spirits of 100 little boys singing about the gift of Baby Jesus!

On Christmas eve I sent the kids in to get dressed.  Aiden came out in the red plaid shirt and black pants I had bought him for the evening, but had added his bright blue and mint green tie from Easter and his navy suit coat.  I said "Aiden you don't really need your jacket with that shirt" He interrupted me and said "Mom I wanted to look my very best for Jesus" I had nothing more to say, but said a little prayer thanking God for such a sincere child!  The best part, the priest stopped on his way into the church and complimented Aiden's tie.  Like everyone else we exchanged gifts, but it was our time together that was more of a gift.

2010 has been a rocky one, but I continue to be held in the Lord's peace and providence.  I am grateful for the faith he has given me! 

1 comment:

Mama T said...

i'm all about keeping it real... i find myself posting about just that several times per month! i thought this was a wonderful blog post.
it's so hard to loose loved ones. especially around the holidays. i don't think there is anything wrong with mourning every year.
<3